Strange and Extravagant

lowest lows

I don’t know if everyone feels like this, but it’s like there’s no happy medium for me. I am either screamingly, totally, absolutely on top of the world happy and full of excitement, or I’m so deeply, terribly low I can’t seem to pick myself up. It’s like negative emotion, for me, just sweeps over my like a hurricane and leaves me absolutely broken. And I feel like a bad person. I feel guilty. I feel stupid. I feel like I should always just keep my mouth shut and do my job. I go over all the terrible things I’ve done in my head and worry at them, and let them sweep over me. There are whole weeks I have to FORCE myself to get out of bed, put on makeup, slap on the happy face, go to work, work out, function. Survive. JUST LIVE. And then part of me is all like…Liz, your granny just died. Your fiance is in a war zone. You’re trying to lose weight. You have a wedding to plan. Your friend is depressed. You family needs you to put on a happy face and an outfit that doesn’t show any cleavage. YOU NEED TO TAKE A BREAK. 

But I don’t. I don’t stop moving because if I ever stop moving, if I ever give in, I won’t ever get up again. I have to man up and power through.